In times of turmoil or disquiet in our lives we often find ourselves resisting everything that we see as ‘trouble’. Dissatisfied with the past, we try to change it, becoming wary of a future that could repeat past mistakes. In the tangle of thoughts, feelings and negative urges, we try all kinds of ways of avoiding the reality of our situation. From fantasising to gambling, from excessive exercise to over-drinking, from self-downing to changing others—we make huge efforts to try and bring back a sense of order and normality to our lives.

It seems to me that, while there can be some benefit from getting respite from this inner battleground, it is ultimately a losing battle. The more I try to resist a feeling or pattern of thoughts, the more power it seems to gain. I might benefit from short-term relief that I have rationised a thought away, but sooner or later it re-emerges, often with more bite.

The alternative—to face it—seems counter-intuitive. Why would I want to feel more pain by going into it? However, by carefully looking over unturned stones, or opening doors in our minds we’d rather not look behind, we can, with the support of a friend or counsellor, begin to see that the problem is not what quite as we imagined it to be. A feeling might not be as catastrophic as we assumed. Even small discoveries can come as a revelation, giving us hope that things can be different. Soon the tensions from those massive efforts to resist what exists in us begin to subside. We see that our initial resistance stemmed from judgements we made that set the issue in stone. At last, we might see that there is a way through without things being so fraught with inner conflict.